Cave of Wonders
by Wizard of Az
Summary: Weird things always seemed to happen on Thursdays. Response to the "cave" challenge. Additional warnings: Crack, Purple Prose, Ron and Ginny Bashing.


The portrait opened with a bang and a shriek from the painting. In stomped Harry Potter in full emo mode, dark cloud of doom literally over his head thanks to George Weasley. The lightning bolts and rumble of thunder was a nice touch.

He stormed over and threw himself moodily onto the sofa next to Hermione. The quidditch team followed in various stages of outrage and amusement. Except for Ron and Ginny, the former looking confused, the latter trying to look alluring and instead coming across as constipated along with the dazed look that only too many bludgers to the skull combined with serious inbreeding could bring.

Luna Lovegood came twirling through the still open door in a sparkling outfit that looked like a cross between a toga and a fringed flapper outfit. Giggling faeries were in her hair and she wandered around the common room handing out flowers, candy, and pocket lint.

Hermione accepted a daisy and two chocolate frogs from Luna, brushing the pocket lint off the frogs before taking a healthy bite. Fred flopped down next to her and gave her soulful eyes that would put a spaniel puppy to shame before she relented and handed him the second frog.

Hermione turned to Fred, "Dare I ask what has Harry upset this time?"

"He lost us 50 points by putting Oliver Wood in the hospital wing." Fred replied before taking a bite of his chocolate.

"Again? Harry, honestly!"

"Don't Harry me Hermione, you would have done the same… no actually your revenge would have been sneaky, underhanded, but by the rules and you would have ended up gaining the House 50 points. That's it, note to self from now on Hermione is in charge of all my revenge taking needs. I'll get you a list."

"I can only spare your revenge a few hours a week Harry, I won't have it getting in the way of study, class work, or… extracurricular projects."

"I'm a project now am I?"

"I've been trying to improve you for years Fred now hush while I take care of Harry's emo crisis of the day."

"Why did you curse your team captain the day before a game?"

"That git had it coming! He tried to hit me with an impotence hex! The daft idiot thinks that sex before a game weakens a person so that they won't do as well during the game."

"That's ludicrous! There is no scientific proof whatsoever that a man loses athletic prowess with his sperm."

"I love it when you talk all sciency like that," Fred purred.

Ron looked between Fred and Hermione confusedly before shaking his head and deciding that stuffing a whole handful of Bertie Bots into his mouth at once was a more worthy use of his time.

"What's sperm?" Ginny asked with a confused expression on her face. Or maybe boredom. Could be gas, honestly with her it's hard to tell.

"Your mother didn't give you a talk on the facts of life? A little witches talk perhaps?"

Hermione sighed when Ginny just shook her head.

"Sperm is what the male of a species produces to impregnate the female."

Ron started laughing at this, spraying bits of half eaten food as he did so.

"You sure have some daft ideas Hermione! Everyone knows you get a baby if a wizard stirs a witches lady cauldron with his man-wand just the right way."

"That explains the birth control potions in the pumpkin juice," Harry whispered to Hermione.

"Well thank the great Nargle that Oliver missed! Harry and I had plans tonight. We're going to play Genie and Master. If he rubs my lamp the right way I'll show him my cave of wonders!" Luna said dreamily.

"What?!" Ginny shrieked.

"Boning like bunnies. Doing the deed. Blanket bingo. Blubbering his Humdinger."

If anything Ginny looked even more confused at that.

Luna sighed. It was just no fun messing with the mentally wonky.

"He's going to put his purple passion pole in my no-no and make squish-squish."

That seemed to work, as Ginny screamed loudly before fainting.

Hermione just shook her head. Weird things always seemed to happen on Thursdays.

Fred leaned in. "I just got in an order of gillyweed. How about you join me in the prefects bath to test some it's more unusual properties."

Thursdays may be weird, but that didn't necessarily make it a bad thing Hermione thought as she followed her boyfriend out of the room. In fact Thursday might just be her favorite day of the week.


End file.
